A Long Time Coming

All righty, people. I'm weighing in on the whole Alltop, Sony, Johnson's Baby Camp Hullabaloo. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can probably skip down a few paragraph's where I'll fill you in on some other fascinating things going on in my life. Like how I'm TOTALLY famous thanks to The Bloggess. For real. But you'll have to wait for that.

First: Alltop: I TOTALLY do NOT belong on that site. That's not what Alltop is all about, it's not for my blog, not for my 8, 10, 12 or 16 on a really good day, comment level. I get that. I totally do. It's about the TOP blogs, the awesomest, most traffic'd, most visited, most commented, most loved blogs. I am not on that list. Fine. But, having said that, OF COURSE I'd love to be included. Listed with the likes of Playgroups Are No Place For Children, The Bloggess, Her Bad Mother, Plain Jane Mom, Girls Gone Child, Pioneer Woman, and other awesome ladies. Hello?! Who wouldn't want to be included. Of course I feel a little left out. I'm sure a lot of you do. But, whatev. The people included have worked their asses off to get there. They network, comment, email, re-comment, re-email, re-network and do it all over and over again day after day. That's not something I can commit myself to do, even if I wanted to. And I don't. I open up my Reader every morning with much anticipation and as soon as I see the "78 Unread" I get a knot in my stomach and I start to feel the guilt. Holy shit! How am I going to thoughtfully read and comment on all of these posts. All of which I WANT to read, not skim, and come up with something intelligent and meaningful to say. How can I possibly do all that AND write something for my own blog. It. Just. Can't. Happen. I've come to terms with that. I'm never going to be a "Big Blogger" because I just don't write anything interesting enough have the time to dedicate to making it happen. Maybe I'll start a website called "AllMediocre" and I can list to those of you who are like me. Anyone interested? Would I be infringing on some copyright thing? Is that offensive? Maybe I could convince The Bloggess to come up with a badge that reads something like "All Mediocre, Confirmation That I'm Just Okay" or "AllMediocre, All The Stuff That Does Suck" I'm just brainstorming here. Feel free to offer suggestions.

Second: Replying to comments. Another thing that fills me with dread and a sense of extreme Blog failure. Remember above when I told you that I can barely bring myself to look at the number of unread posts in my reader without suffering a severe case of hives? Responding to comments is something that causes severe ANGINA. I love you for reading, I love you for commenting. I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO. But the thought of having 30, 40, 50, 100 comments on ONE post gives me heartburn. How can anyone possibly respond to those comments? How do you keep a loyal readership without responding to comments? I feel like a bad mother if I don't respond every single time a new person leaves me a comment. And I only get 12 (maybe) comments a post. I don't think I could handle the stress of having a larger reader base.

Third: YES, I'm jealous I don't get invited to Johnson's Camp Baby and the Sony thing-y in LA. There, I said it. I'd LOVE to be included in shit like that. Who doesn't like free trips, hanging out with awesome lady bloggers, free drinks, and TONS of coll free stuff? Duh. But, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, I'm pretty sure I'm not the sort of influential blogger they're looking for. And that's fine. It's FINE, I said. God. Stop effing bugging me about it. I said I was FINE!

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Now on to other things going on in my life:

1) There is a caterpillar living on my basil plant in my kitchen. My basil plant is dying a slow, painful death. Dylan is attached to the caterpillar, so for the time being, that little fucker will NOT be dying a slow painful death. The Caterpiller, that is, not Dylan.

2) My kitchen cabinets now look like this:

Well, two of them anyway. For those of you not familiar with my kitchen, and/or organizational skills, trust me when I tell you that this is a VAST improvement.

4) Is anyone still with me?

5) Dylan just ate his first bowl of cereal "All by himself" If I hear the words "I can do it. All. by. my. self." one more time I'm going to start ripping my hair out. For reals.

6) Do you want to know why I'm totally famous now? The Bloggess featured one of my posts on her Good Mom/Bad Mom Blog. Do you see it there? Go down...down....down...almost to the bottom? Good. Keep Going...down...down. There! Right there! "I Wasn't This Crazy Before I Became A Mother"

7) Totally justified.

Cow Alert!

That's my most famous quote ever. I uttered it when we were looking for houses in the beautiful town of Warwick, NY when I was a kid. Maybe 5 or 6. Warwick is described most often as "quaint" and "picturesque" or "boring" and "lame" if you're in high school. But I'm no longer in high school, so I choose to go with "quaint" and "picturesque." See for yourself:

They're all a little tiny, but hopefully you get the point. It's cute. And quaint. And..picturesque. These were borrowed from the website of Nick Zungoli, Warwickian and awesome photographer. Go see for yourself. At the very least you'll get to look at some purdy pictures.

But I digress...what was I talking about again? Oh yes, my famous quote. As we were driving through Warwick I spotted one of the MANY dairy farms with a landscape studded with cows and yelled, to the amusement of my family and our Realtor, "Cow Alert!" It's stuck with me ever since.

My sister's most famous quote ever just HAPPENED to be uttered on National Television. In her early teen years (OH! How I wish I had a picture!) she and a family friend were contestants on the uber-famous game show, Fun House. You KNOW you remember it. JD Roth hosted and the blond twins flashed their pearly whites for all the teenage boys at home to lust after. Ahh...the memories. Anyhoo, it was quite possibly one of the funniest things I can remember about my childhood. Oh, the fun we made of her. She actually wandered off stage at one point. In her defense she was blindfolded (I think she was smashing pies onto her partner's head?), but it was still freakin' hilarious.

Her funniest/most famous quote came during the question and answer session of the game. I can't remember what the question was, but her answer was "Is it...fudge?" The ... is the dramatic pause she took before guessing at fudge. I realize the re-telling of this story is not quite as funny as the memory of the event is in my head. Oh, how we laughed and laughed and LAUGHED at her expense. To this day it still makes me giggle. I think there's a videotape of it somewhere. I'll have to track it down, copy the VHS to DVD and then transfer the DVD to the computer, upload it to Vimeo and share it with all of you. THEN you could laugh along with me. Not with Quart, though. She's still bitter. They didn't win. When I just called her to "fact check", cause you KNOW I'm all about the accuracy, she said, when asked about what they had won, and I quote(ish) "Oh. I was so pissed. We were told we won a $100.00 Toys R'Us Gift Certificate and I was going to buy us a Nintendo, but when the show aired they said we won a $50.00 Gitano Gift Certificate. But all it really was was Gitano clothes worth $50.00. And I got to keep my British Knight shoes. Or BK's as they came to be known." There was much bitterness in her voice as she recalled that. I kind of felt bad for bringing it up. Kind of. But not really because I'm smiling right now just thinking of it.

But, I digress ONCE AGAIN. Where are we so far? Cow Alert! and Is it...fudge? You're probably all starting to wonder why in the hell I'm sharing with you these frivolous and not so funny if you weren't there kind of stories, aren't you? WELL...don't get your panties in a bunch. I'm going to share with you the amusing things Dylan has uttered recently. I know you're excited. Just try to contain yourself. There's a point to all of this at the end. I promise.

• It's Cookie Time!
• Can I have candy pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease? -NO- Oh...can I look at it?
• (While in the living room with me) I need to poop. Get out of hea. You need to go take a shower. So I can poop in hea. (He still poops in a diaper. Not on the floor.)
• Mmmm...I LOVE cookies! -Do you love Mommy?- Mmmm...yea (shrugs shoulders)
• Good night! No bugs! (his version of "don't let the bed bugs bite")
• (At the Car Wash, on our 2nd go round due to some Car Wash technical difficulties) We're going through AGAIN? Oh, Goodness Sakes!

So, that leaves me with two questions for you.

1. What's YOUR most famous quote ever?
2. If your baby refused to nap, so you fed him (or her) and he (or she) finally fell asleep and THEN you realized they had soiled their diaper, would you wake them up to change it or let them sleep in a poop filled diaper for a few hours?

I shared my answer to #1, you'll have to guess at #2. Although you know me pretty well by now and probably already know the answer. Coming tomorrow...I recount last night's dinner concoction for you. It's kind of a recipe, although there's really very little cooking involved. Just browning and seasoning some meat. Yes! HRH and Madge, this is for you! And, Z, there's even a vegetarian version! Gear up, ladies. Be prepared to wow your family. Or totally gross them out. It's kind of a weird concoction.

And, since I hear it coming from the other room, and because I'd hate to leave him out, Zach says "DA Ma! DaAAMAaa! Squee! MamamamamDaamamamdadadama! Squee!" which translates, loosely, to something really funny about his mobile. Or his toes. Or both. I'm not quite sure.

Just Read the First Half

Dude. If you haven't checked out the Bloggy Giveaways site, get your cute little tushie over there, pronto, and enter a few drawings. Gems, I tell ya. Gems.

There's something for everyone. In fact, it's more like there's somethingS for everyone. If I had more time and less guilt, I'd have entered about 435 of the 866 that are currently listed. Sadly, due to the guilt, and the fact that I'm responsible for the health and well being of two little boys and one marriage, I can't spend my day posting comments and entering giveaways. Don't Cry For Me, Bloggies, I'll be okay. I've managed to enter a few. And, really, there are only so many free kids Yogurt coupons or Custom Fruit Roll-Ups a girl can use, ya know?

Anyhoo, there's lots to be found...jewelry, gift cards, clothes, shoes, vacuum cleaners, toaster ovens, books, baby loot, candles and beauty products are some of the non-edible goodies to be tempted by. AWESOME. Right? I know. You're welcome.

On to other adventures. Or mis-adventures, as the case may be. I'm officially Twitter'd. Don't worry, mom, it means nothing to you. And it doesn't mean anything bad.

Zach continues the army crawl. It's thoroughly entertaining to watch and a little painful. It takes MOUNTAINS of effort to move a foot, but by golly he does it. And he's tickled pink by it, too.

This totally cracked me up.

If I eat bell pepper slices w/Lite Sour Cream Ranch Dip & a Lean Cuisine for lunch is the good negated by the fact that I have a smallish plate of nachos as a snack later? Don't answer that. And don't get on me about the amount of sodium in the Lean Cuisine. What-Ev.

Have you ever asked a question about something and then been roped/duped/snookered into being a major player in it? As is...when's the next Bingo night? And the response is "OMG, I've totally been thinking about that and I think we should have it here, spend this, get this and we can split the cost....sound good?" Uh...No. I need to buy diapers and FOOD for my FAMILY. And I don't play bingo. Was that cryptic enough? Thought so.

I started to crochet Zach another blanket. At the rate I'm going I'll be done with it by the time he's 12. JUST when a boy needs a soft blanket his mommy made him, no?

You would think Blogger spell check would recognize "OMG" as a word by now.

I suppose I should go do something productive now. Does watching Tyler Florence count? MMmmmm...

The Full Moon Can Kiss My Ass

I don't really buy into all that lunar bullsh*t, birth signs, tarot cards, palm readers, etc., but today? Today I think there might be something to it. Tonight is a full moon (and a full lunar eclipse no less) and I've had 20 hours of nothing but friggin' headaches. Not actual headaches, but figurative, this situation is a pain in the ass, headaches.

We've having tile laid in our dining room/kitchen area. The floor has been 1/2 linoleum and half concrete for the past year and a half. (The story behind that is coming, trust me. With lots of pictures, with captions!) We bought this beautiful porcelain tile in June of 2006 and made sure to order plenty so that we would have enough when we finally got around to laying it. So what happened? Yep. We're short. WAY freakin' short. Somehow we either mis-measured (DJ) or mis-ordered (Me). So, there's this bare part in front of the sink/dishwasher/door to garage area. I called to order more tile. Yep. No longer available. Lots of scratching of heads, chins and frowning later, we gave up and called it a night.

I spent this morning on the phone with the manufacturer/importer in SPAIN with them giving me the numbers of different tile stores throughout the U.S. who had ordered the tile within the last year, and MIGHT still have some in stock. Fingers crossed. But alas, no.

OH! And before I got on the phone with Spain this morning? Zach threw up ALL OVER himself. And me! And the couch! And the floor!*

And now back to my tile saga. So, with my tail between my legs, the boys and I headed over to the tile store to talk to my tile lady (is it bad that she remembers me from 1 1/5 years ago?) and get some ideas for WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH MY BARE SPOT. After much discussion and picture drawing by me, and a trip to the bathroom for Dylan (!), we finally decided on laying down tile that looks like wood. My hope is that, when we go to sell the house, the people who buy it will just think we made a bad design choice instead of thinking we're complete assholes who spent a shitload of money on tile and couldn't freaking order the right amount.

OH! And while we were at the tile store? Dylan decided to be a pain in the ass. They have this cool castle built with manufactured stone product with toys in it to keep the little guys occupied while their parents make shitty design choices pick out their tile. He decides that he doesn't want to play with the blocks IN the castle, he wants to play with them by me. So he starts to pull the little wagon-y block holder over to me. I tell him "No, you need to leave those in the castle and play with them there." To which he replies "NO. I don't want to" and do you know what he does? The little bastard DUMPS the wagon-y thing out on the floor in the middle of the tile showroom. I almost killed him. I dragged him and the wagon-y thing back to the castle and bent down to give him a piece of my mind when, WHAP! OW!, I smack my forehead into the book shelf.

So, now my figurative headache has become a full blown REAL headache and my beautiful tile floor is costing me an extra $250.00. Right on.

Like I said, the full moon can kiss my ass.

*Don't worry Grandmaother, I think Zach threw up because he coughed really hard, not because he's coming down with some stomach bug. Although the stomach bug would not surprise me one bit. Just add it to my list of headaches.

Write Me A Love Letter, Pre-School Style

Reasons Why I Can't Wait for Dylan to Be A LITTLE* Bit Older:


1) From Plain Jane Mom

2) From June Cleaver Nirvana

3) From KEEP BELIEVING

4) From Greeblemonkey (for some reason, I can't link directly to the post, but you can find her here.)

*This, in no way, implies that I want him to grow up quickly. I. DO. NOT. I'm just looking forward to the time when he can make me laugh with funny stuff he writes, or with funny stuff other kids write to him.

Not To Be Depressing

The end of the story. So sad. But, hopefully not the end. Hopefully the asshole who did this will be caught and appropriately punished, although I'm not sure what would be appropriate. Death by painful, awful, excruciatingly horrible means seems too good. Maybe fully awake, pain med free castration (S.L.O.W.L.Y.) would help, but still not be enough.

On another note, and another local story, this is a bit more uplifting (I know, I know, three people died, but Frankie is amazing, as are her rescuers. Let's try to concentrate on that and we'll have a silent moment for the three people killed in the crash, including her best friend Talia). I'm desperately trying to find the video, but am having no such luck. The written word just doesn't do the story justice. Anyway, Frankie is awesome and the Panamanian men who rescued her are also awesome. I heart them. If I find the video I'll let you know.

I have not a creative, original thought in my head. I think dealing with sickie Dylan for the past few days has finally caught up with me. He's 1000% better, just as Zach starts to cough. GREAT. Really freakin' great. Hopefully tomorrow I can come to you with something to say, but for now, no such luck.

Oh, I am toying with the idea of participating in Absolutely Banana's Make Me Laugh Monday campaign. I'm just hopeful I can do it justice. We'll see.