February 13, 2008

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Have you ever said something so mind-numbingly stupid that you wanted to melt away and disappear, right there on the spot? This WOULD have happened to me last night if I'd been with people other than my in-laws. What I said was still mind-numbingly stupid, but I didn't want to melt away. I just laughed and thanked my lucky stars I wasn't with people I felt the need to IMPRESS, because, let me tell you, what I said was FAR from impressive.

It all started because of this incident:
**Contains footage that will make you close your eyes, cover them with your hands and peek through your fingers, because you just HAVE to see what happens, even though it makes you feel physically ill. It's like a really bad car accident. You can't look away even though you REALLY don't want to see the horrors.**

So, anyway. We were at Ou*back having dinner (can I get a "Whoot Whoot" for the Queensland Salad?!) discussing current events. Like when our kids pooped last, how awful night shifts are for my sister-in-law, etc, when I have the genius idea to bring up the above referenced incident. I'd seen it on TV the night before and had JUST read the article in the local paper. Yes! We saw it! Oh My God, how awful was that? Did it sever a vein or an artery or something? WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED? everyone says.

Oh, Oh! Pick me! Pick me! I KNOW THIS!!!! I JUST READ IT IN THE PAPER!!! I watch Discovery Health! I'm totally knowledgeable about human anatomy! TOTALLY.

"Well, what happened was, his teammate's skate came flying up at him and cut across his neck and severed his CARTOID artery. " Blank stares. "His WHAT?" sayd DJ. "His CARTOID (like CAR-TOYED) artery. Apparently it supplies blood to the brain. Unlike the jugular vein which takes blood away from the brain." Duh, I think. These losers are SO stupid.
DJ looks at me incredulously and starts to laugh. "I think you mean "Carotid" artery." "NO", I say, starting to feel foolish, because I KNOW what the CAR-O-TID artery is. Duh. "The newspaper said it was his 'CAR-TOID' artery. And anyway, isn't 'carotid' artery spelled "corotted"?

To make a long story short, people, I'm apparently dyslexic and read "carotid" at "cartoid" and thought there was some new, previoulsy unknown to me, artery in the neck. There is not. And it's spelled "CAROTID" not "COROTTED."

DJ said it was the "most un-educated thing" he's ever heard me say. I guess that's meant to be a compliment. Right?

And that concludes our anatomy lesson for the day. Unless you want to hear about my cervix, in which case you can just scroll down. Enjoy.


Anonymous said...

If 'car-toid' is the most uneducated thing DJ has heard you say, then you ARE charmed, and have nothing to feel stupid about.

However, in the future, if it ever comes up, remember 'phalanges' is 'fe-lan-jees', not 'foul-angus'...I'm here to help. You're welcome.

Christy said...

Funny. One time, I told my insurance agent that I was taking an intercourse class in college. I meant to say intersession class. I am an asshole

Jennifer, Le Binky Bitch said...

I really shouldn't laugh at you. (But I can't help it :)!!)

Also, I've said some pretty "uneducated things" myself. Feel free to laugh right back at me.

HRH said...

I was in the dentist's waiting room reading this off my phone and I was laughing so hard at this and the post below that people were STARING. OMG...I think what your husband said is a compliment.