February 24, 2008

A Running Commentary On The Oscars

As I drink Corona with lime because, YES, I AM that classy and GASP! I RAN OUT OF WINE. It's never happened before and, as I swear on the very breath in my body, It. Will. NEVER. Happen. Again.

And now to the Oscars...

Funny Category-
1) Jon Stewart: Something to the effect of: "The only time we ever see a black or a woman President is if an asteroid is about to hit the Empire State Building"
2) Jon Stewart: Something to the effect of: "Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him the automatic front runner for the GOP nomination"
3) Um, okay, so, yeah. This isn't nearly as good as I'd hoped.

WTF? Category-
1) Katherine Heigl- Really? You're THAT nervous? Come on.
2) A Happy Little Working Song...seriously? Oscar nominated?
3) Keri Russell's husband's hair? She lets him out of the house like that?
4) Where the hell is Ben Affleck? Is he there and I just haven't seen him? Jen's there. His brother, who is nominated for HIS movie is there, but I haven't seen him. What's up with that? Can you explain it, internets? Can you?

Ahhhh... Category-
1) George Clooney...enough said
2) The Rock. Can YOU smell what The Rock is cooking? Because I can and I'd like some.
3) Javier Bardem kissing Josh Brolin. That's not REALLY my cup of tea, but if it were...HELLO! Am I right or am I right?

Meghan's Picks For Best Dressed-
1) Sarah Larson, simply because George Clooney was on her arm. He'd make anybody look good.
2) Keri Russell. I wasn't a fan of her dress, but thought she looked really pretty above the chest. I'm sure the men would argue that her chest looked good too. Whatev.

Holy Shit Category-
1) Who is that little girl singing? Wow.
2) OMG, it's Owen Wilson. Yay!

Best Speeches Category-
1) Marion Cotillard- I'm just going to leave it at that and say no one else wins for this category. Voting is closed. She is freaking adorable.

And is it just me, or is anybody else SO happy that Nicole Kidman got away from that whack job Tom Cruise? Keith Urban is SO MUCH HOTTER and less insane. Even given his struggles with drug & alcohol abuse. I'd totally pick him over Tom Scientology. In a heartbeat.

Oh, and have any of you ever tried to watch the Oscars while listening to this? I'll bet the answer is no. Again, the most annoying sound ever. Or, at least to ever come out of an adorable little baby.

And this wasn't even as bad as it was for most of the night. It drove me crazy. I finally just put him in his swing and ignored him. I didn't know what else to do with him. Poor kid. He's SO a second child.

P.S. I got bored and stopped paying attention. So, my list did not have anything added to it after about 7:15pm. I'm the worst Oscar commentator ever. Really. Ever.

Okay, just kidding. 'Cause Diablo Cody just won for best screenplay. Awesome, even though I've not seen the movie. Now that's stepping out of the box.


jennifer h said...

My viewing was definitely of the hit-or-miss nature...but, how cool was it that the girl who co-wrote "Falling Slowly" got to come back out to give her speech? I got a bit teary. George Clooney...sigh.

I didn't seen Ben.

I think I missed a lot. Definitely a lot of the red carpet.

Hope your little guy is feeling better.

Quart said...

SO I look forward to the Oscars EVERY year, and this year Will decides to start throwing up TEM minutes before it starts! When I got him into bed I managed to see Best Animated Feature - (don't you think the woman who did "Persepolis" was pissed to be up against "Surf's Up" and "Ratatouille" and LOSE?? I saw "Achievement in Makeup" (I don't CARE) and I saw AMy Adams START singing her song (she's adorable and I want to see what movie, but I c'mon). I decided that since I was certain to be up again in half an hour I'd try to get some sleep. Sigh. Kids ruin everything.

Thank you for your coverage. I haven't even looked at E news yet and I am SO excited Diablo Cody won!! And what the hell happened with Jennifer Garner (is she just so adorable or am I biased because 13 Goingon 30 is my favorite movie and I fnally saw "Juno" yesterday?) and Gary Busey?? I am disappointed you've left me hanging.

(Oh, and Will is still asleep. No puke all night. Just a cute little conversation with his Monkey at midnight - overheard on the monitor).

Slow Panic said...

OK, every year I watch about three random minutes of the Oscars. And every year I ALWAYS see the winner of the short films. what is up with that?

Grandmaother said...

I got bored about half way through.
I'm just glad the best actress got her real eyebrows back - did you see those brows in the clips?

papa-oomau-al said...

I've been practicing my Oscar acceptance speech for roughly 50 years and now, after hearing the nominated songs, I have a chance! A freakin' GREAT CHANCE!
Get out Dylan's Fisher-Price 7-note xylophone, a sheet of blank paper, a #2 pencil and a hot pot of heavily caffeinated coffee -- it's composition time, baby!

Oh, and imagine how much better this year's telecast would have been if 'Happy Working Song' had been preceded by 'It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp'...

Loralee Choate said...

I usually love the Oscars, but I was so "EH" this year.

I think the writers strike wounded my soul in ways I may never recover from.


HRH said...

I love that after 7:15 it is a bit sketchy. You lasted longer than I.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

If you added DDL's wife's dress to the WTF category, it would be complete.

Z said...

How'd I miss this post til now?!?! Your viewing commentary is pretty close to spot on what I was thinking, right down to the getting bored and leaving midway through... I like the recaps and the snarky comments on people afterwards better than the actual event, I am ashamed to admit ;)